


THE BUCKET LIST

by chuckalicious



Series: LOVE MY WAY - it oneshots [1]
Category: IT (1990), IT (2017), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Cancer, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, I Love Richie Tozier, I Love the Losers Club (IT), I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Oneshot, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Sad and Beautiful, eddie kaspbrak has cancer, eddie kaspbrak is sick, oneshots, wattpad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23995744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuckalicious/pseuds/chuckalicious
Summary: in which eddie kaspbrak gets cancer (tw major character death)
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: LOVE MY WAY - it oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730359
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	THE BUCKET LIST

richie tozier would've never even wanted to imagine what it would be like to lose his best friend. removing eddie kaspbrak from his life would be one of the most devastating things he believes could ever happen to him, especially because he'd practically fallen in love with the kid when he went through puberty at fourteen years old. a boy that he's been pining over for seven years just suddenly gone forever? he doesn't even want to think about it.

well, now he has to imagine it, as he speeds to the hospital that had called to tell him his fiancé was brought there after a fainting spell at work. he doesn't even want to think about what could possibly be wrong with his boy, it makes him sick to his stomach. he starts to conquer up all the things that eddie had been complaining about recently, like the occasional chest pains and the struggling to breathe while doing everyday things. he'd told eddie to go get it checked out, and it's honestly surprising that he didn't earlier, since he's the type to worry extra about those kinds of these. now he's in the hospital, richie would've stopped and picked up a bouquet of flowers or something if he hadn't immediately sped down here in a panic. he almost got in a car crash and ended himself up here, as well.

once he finally checks in with the lady at the counter and gets led to the door that eddie resides in, his heart is hammering in his chest and he tries to reassure himself but it's like something in his head is trying to tell him that something is very, very wrong and that he should definitely be worried. the nurse opens the door for him and lets him go inside, and that hammering heart begins to crack when he takes note of the tears on his best friend's cheeks. eddie's just sitting up at the side of the hospital bed and he's got his regular clothes on and he looks so scared.

"are you okay, eds?" the raven-haired boy asks as he steps closer to the bed, expecting the boy to retort and yell not to call him that, but he doesn't say anything at all. he looks over at the nurse, who hadn't left the room after allowing him in, and furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

she looks from eddie to richie and back to eddie again, making eye contact with the brunet to make sure he wants her to speak for him. "mr. tozier, this isn't something anybody wants to hear, but eddie has been diagnosed with stage two lung cancer," she speaks quietly, giving him a sympathetic look as she can see the heartbroken look forming on his face. "we don't know what caused it yet but we ran some tests and all we know for now is the diagnosis. i'd be happy to set up another appointment for you guys to talk about possible treatments," she suggests.

why isn't this hitting him as hard as he thought it would? maybe it's because he knows it's not as dangerous as the higher stages of the cancer that he has, but he doesn't know. maybe he just hasn't come to the realization yet. "sure," he nods slowly, looks back over at eddie, who's got his head down and won't stop sniffling. he puts a hand on his lower back and rubs his back gently, attempting to calm him down. "uh, could you just schedule the soonest one possible, please?"

the nurse nods and leaves the room, giving the crying boy and his lover time for themselves. once the door shuts, eddie begins to wrack a little with sobs, and richie immediately brings the boy forward against his chest with a frown. he continues rubbing his back and he closes his eyes to will away the tears forming in his own glassy eyes.

"you're gonna be alright, bub," he murmurs into the top of his head, holding him as close as possible despite the awkward position they're in. he pulls away from their hug to look eddie in the face, kneeling to be level with him. "how about we go get something to eat, sweet boy? to get your mind off of things?" he asks.

but eddie just shakes his head and avoids eye contact because that's what he does when he lies and richie catches on right away. "'m not hungry," he sniffles a little, gazing at the floor.

the taller boy furrows his eyebrows and he cups eddie's face in his hands and uses the pads of his thumbs to wipe his tears away. "c'mon, eddie," he coos at him, trying to use that persuasive voice he always uses when he wants eddie to do something like go get groceries for him because he's too lazy to do it himself or come snuggle with him because he's cold and doesn't want to just turn up the heat in the room. "let's just get out of here, at least, yeah? we'll run a bath, i can try to make dinner if you don't want to order takeout tonight, then we can just cuddle the rest of the night. sound good?"

-

richie pampers the boy in his arms with soft kisses, holding him close with just a hint of a smile on his face when he hears the boy's quiet giggles. eddie doesn't laugh much anymore, he hasn't since they found out about his cancer just two weeks ago, although it feels like yesterday.

they had gone to the first appointment only a few days later, and had discussed possible treatments for the tumor in one of his lungs. richie had pulled one of the doctors aside, out of the room so eddie couldn't hear, and asked about survival rates for what he'd been diagnosed with. he was relieved to know that the survival rate is a higher percentage than he'd originally thought, but every time they walk into the doctors office for a check-up, every time eddie struggles to breathe like a healthy person or looks the slightest bit sick, there's this worried feeling in his stomach that won't go away.

"hey, rich?" eddie speaks up, for the first time in a while. he doesn't speak much anymore, either, richie thinks this situation is too traumatic for him to cope normally with it. and he completely understands.

he pulls back from the boy in his arms to look him in the face, feeling the anxiety radiating off his body. "what's up, babe?" he asks, propping his pillow up against the headboard so he can lean against it and be more alert.

the brunet sits up a little more, too, diverting his attention to his fingernails. he'd once upon a time kept those nails pristine and would've never been caught with hangnails or have them the slightest bit bitten. now, they're short and they bleed sometimes and richie has to chastise him not to bite at them so he doesn't end up hurting himself or getting infected ("i already have cancer, richie, i think that's the least of my worries right now"). his fiancé gently grabs one of his hands and holds it against his cheek, staring at him until he talks. "uh, how long do you think i have left?" he asks, his eyebrows drawn together. "to live, i mean."

the older man sighs, runs his thumb over the soft skin of eddie's knuckles. he closes his eyes to think and when he opens them again, eddie is suddenly the one staring. "i dunno, eds," he shakes his head, swallows thickly. "hopefully you've got a long life ahead of you. i know things are gonna change, but remember i'm here and i always will be."

"so you're still gonna be here when i start losing all my hair?" eddie asks, frowning a little. he looks richie in the eyes and then looks elsewhere, not wanting to see whatever expression he's going to have on his face.

richie nods, and he holds up one of eddie's hands in his own to point out the engagement ring on his lover's finger. "you act like i didn't tell you i want to spend the rest of my life with you," he gives him a sympathetic smile. "or, rather, i want to spend the rest of your life with you, however long that may be. and then i'll never be with anybody else for the rest of my life, i promise."

and they both sit there in silence for a bit until the sick boy begins to weep quietly into his elbow. it's so sudden richie doesn't even process it at first, but almost immediately he caresses his face in between his hands like he always does when his boy is sad and he wipes the falling tears off his pale face. "i don't want to lose my hair," eddie whimpers out. "and i don't want to die. i-i'm never gonna be able to do anything i've wanted to do, i should've done everything sooner but i thought i'd have time but i don't because i'm dying," he sobs out, quite heartbreakingly. richie feels his heart shatter just hearing those words coming from his mouth.

the raven-haired boy thinks of what to say while his boy cries sadly into the heavy air of the bedroom. "hair or not, you're still beautiful to me, baby," he murmurs into his ear once he pulls him closer to him. he wraps his arms around him and closes his eyes while he speaks into the top of his head. "what d'you say we make a bucket list, of all the things you have want to do? and i promise we're going to finish all of them before anything happens to you. let's come up with one right now."

"i wanna get married," eddie responds through his sobs, hiccuping a little now. his fists are tangled in richie's t-shirt and he's trembling a bit. "if we could just get married, i-i wouldn't want anything else."

richie's heart is so full but it absolutely aches thinking of how miserable he's going to be if eddie ends up passing away. they're so young, eddie doesn't deserve this, nobody deserves this ever. "i'm going to marry you so hard, eddie kaspbrak," he says back, and eddie squeaks because just hearing those words makes him happy. "and i'm gonna give you the best honeymoon ever, just me and you."

and eddie believes every word.

-

only two months later, richie and eddie are standing under an arbor, sealing the deal of their marriage. eddie's begun to miss clumps of his hair from his head from the chemotherapy, and richie had given himself a stupid haircut to match up with him, just so he wouldn't feel too insecure about it.

everybody starts to clap as they pull away from their first kiss as a married couple, and richie is crying harder than eddie. they're a mix between happy and sad tears. of course richie's happy, he just married the love of his life and he's got all his supportive friends and family there to witness it. but it's the thought that they had to rush their marriage so soon because eddie has a high risk of passing away that ruins the happiness. he tries to put on a brave face but he's not sure he can, especially in front of all these people.

he'll always put on a brave face if it means it will make eddie kaspbrak happy, though. which is why he leans in to kiss him again, holding his slightly-bald head with his trembling hands while the crowd continues to holler and coo at them. "i love you so much," he grins at him with a bit of a hiccup when they separate again.

eddie wipes the tears off of his husbands cheeks and leans up a little to peck his lips one more time. "i love you, too," he smiles back.

"oh, get a room, lovebirds!" beverly shouts out among the ongoing applause, which makes everyone laugh. richie and eddie burst out laughing and turn toward her, and one of the cameras snaps a photo of them, beaming smiles and wet faces and all. it's a picture richie keeps on his bedside table and always will.

later that night, they do get a room at a fancy hotel just a few miles from their wedding venue. they'd bid goodbye to everyone and thanked everyone for coming before richie's mother had driven them to their hotel, since they were a bit tipsy and didn't want to cause an accident.

as soon as they get inside the room, richie helps slip eddie's blazer off with a kiss to the back of his neck, even though he doesn't need any help. but richie thinks the boy looks exhausted and he doesn't want to make him do anything that he doesn't necessarily have to do. eddie gives him a sheepish smile and sits down on the bed so he can take his shoes off, just as richie begins to shed his own clothing as well. they both do their own thing for a minute or two, changing into sweatpants instead of the dress pants they'd previously been wearing.

eddie goes to sit back down on the edge of the bed and quirks an eyebrow when richie kneels on the hardwood floor in front of him, resting his arms on eddie's legs and peering up at him with a smile on his face. his hair is a mess, because of the haircut and also because of the crazy day they'd had partying for hours, and eddie brings one of his hands up to brush it out of his face a little. "what're you doing?" he asks, with a weary smile on his face.

the raven-haired man reaches up to boop eddie on the nose, laughing a little. "just admiring you," he shrugs. "cause you're pretty and cause i love you."

the brunet twists his mouth and shakes his head, although there's a hint of a smile on his lips from the compliment. "i don't feel pretty," he murmurs.

"i think you're gorgeous, eds," richie responds easily, he's always gonna think that. "more beautiful than ever."

eddie pouts and only wills it away when richie leans up to kiss him on the lips, but as soon as they pull away from each other it's back again. "but i don't feel like it," he shakes his head once more.

the older boy juts his bottom lip out as well, in disbelief that eddie doesn't find himself as attractive as he does. "i can make you feel pretty, if you'll let me," he looks up at him with a suggestive smirk on his face, dragging his eyes over his face as if he'll never look at it again. in all honesty he's really worried it is going to be one of the last times, but he's a little out of it from the alcohol at the wedding and it leaves his mind for the time being.

it one hundred percent leaves his mind when eddie nods shyly at him and allows him to lean up and clumsily connect their lips together, hands holding his husband's so he can help scoot him up to be fully on the mattress.

it's definitely the best honeymoon he could've ever imagined.

-

against everybody's wishes, the state of eddie tozier only continues to deteriorate as time goes on. they tried chemo and he lost his hair due to it and they really did think it was going to cure him, but he's just gotten worse. he's been coughing up blood almost everyday and the doctors informed him a few weeks ago that, sadly, he's moved up to stage three of his lung cancer.

but that doesn't stop eddie from trying to live the best life possible despite the situation. in fact, he's just checked off the words go to disneyland on his bucket list sheet that him and richie had made not long before their wedding. his husband had taken him to disneyland for a couple days, took care of him and helped him get out of the park when he'd begun to feel lightheaded and instead into bed back at their hotel room. if eddie didn't have richie, he's sure he'd probably be dead by now. i mean, for christ's sake, that boy's helped him schedule appointments and take his meds when needed and has been supportive and reassuring of everything.

which is why it's so hard to cope with the fact that they're going to be apart pretty soon.

eddie knows he's dying, he can practically feel it, that... crumbling feeling inside, and not just because of the tumors ruining his lungs. he keeps on getting these little spouts of energy every once in a while, which he'd figured out is something that can happen days before dying.

richie knows eddie is dying, although he doesn't want to believe it at all. he's been acting as if it's not happening because eddie hasn't said anything and he doesn't want to worry him, but at night, when eddie's asleep and richie has to continue to check the boy's pulse to make sure he's still alive, he breaks. sometimes he has to leave the house and go outside to smoke a cigarette or two (he knows he shouldn't, especially not with a terminally ill boy in the house, but he always makes sure to stay outside and far away from him) and sometimes eddie will trudge downstairs with one of richie's hoodies on and let him stub out the cigarette on the deck so he can come outside and sit next to him. there they usually just snuggle until richie calms down and stops crying.

now the last thing on the bucket list that has yet to be checked off is something he doesn't want to do but he needs to do. he never thought he'd be crossing this off in his life but today it's happening because all his friends and family are coming over to do it. say goodbye.

the first person to come into the bedroom, where eddie has been resting for the last couple of days, is beverly. she knocks lightly on the open door to make sure he's decent before she comes in, and she's got her brave face on and eddie is so glad she does. he's not sure he's going to be able to deal with saying goodbye to a bunch of crying people without crying himself.

"hey, eddie," she kneels next to the bed so she can be level with the boy laying in bed. she takes in a deep breath before she speaks again, trying not to look around at how frail he looks in order not to burst into tears. "can you tell i'm trying to put on a brave face right now?" she asks, and eddie nods with a little smile on his face and she chuckles sadly. he reaches out to hold her hand and his is shaking a bit and she notices. "i don't even know how to say goodbye, it's like, it doesn't feel real to me. i just want to say i love you so much and i'm sorry any of this happened. i know sorry doesn't help much but i really am sorry. and thanks for being here and keeping richie sane. he really loves you."

the boy chuckles, too, and he squeezes her hand with a melancholy look on his face. "will you make sure he's okay, after i go?" he asks. "all of you guys, i don't want anybody to feel too bad."

"course i will, spaghetti man," she nods. "watch over me, yeah? that way you know i'll be okay."

he nods, and he can sense the sadness bubbling up inside of her every second he looks at her face. "you know you don't need to hold it in, bev," he motions to her. "you're not the first to cry over it," and she finally gives in and lets the tears come out like a waterfall. he sits up so she can hug him and her body racks with sobs against his and he doesn't want to cry either but he ends up crying anyway. not a whole lot, though, he's been crying the last week or so, knowing this was inevitable.

"i'm gonna miss you so much," she whispers to him, sniffling. she's shaking more than he is now. "this sucks. i always thought you'd live the longest, you and your hypochondriac ways," she teases, and she finds herself laughing through her tears along with eddie.

"whore," the boy scoffs at her.

she pulls back and they flip each other off while they wipe the tears off their faces. "bitch," she retorts. she goes to stand up and just before she walks out the door she turns to face him. "hey, you know i'm kidding, right? if those were my last words to you, i'd never forgive myself," and he just nods and assures her that it's okay. "goodbye, eddie. i'll see you later."

they know later is going to be a long time away, but it reassures the both of them anyway.

then the rest of his friends come in to say goodbye and he keeps his own brave face on, although every single one of them cries the entire time they're with him. he almost cracks during bill's visit, as they reminisce about their childhood and how happy he is that he'd met him back then. he doesn't apologize, eddie's glad, he's tired of saying it's alright because it isn't.

both of richie's parents come to visit, as well. wentworth doesn't cry, but everyone could tell how upset he was. maggie does, and they both thank him for making richie the happiest boy on the planet and telling him that they're going to miss them visiting on the holidays and baking christmas cookies together and buying each other stupid presents.

and he had already said goodbye to his mother earlier so she doesn't show, which he's thankful for. nothing like a little mrs. kaspbrak screaming at him and blaming him for his illness! some of his cousins say goodbye but the majority of them don't really even care that much, they didn't really speak to him at all growing up.

the last person to speak to him is none other than richie tozier himself. he lays down next to him in bed after cleaning up after all their guests from earlier, and his eyes are glassy and he's trying to smile but he can't. "you feel okay?" he asks quietly, interrupting the comfortable silence.

eddie opens his eyes and nods, facing the boy laying across from him. his eyes droop closed again. "'m exhausted," he murmurs under his breath.

richie's heart picks up the pace at that, because eddie was just full of energy not even an hour ago and now he seems like he's losing, well, his life, as they speak. "you can let go whenever you want to, eds," he swallows thickly. "i won't be angry."

"i never want to let go, richie," he shakes his head, and a tear slips out of his eye and lands on the hand that richie had put on his cheek. "i'd rather stay here with you, forever and ever."

"i know, baby," richie nods at him, even though he can't see him. he wipes the tear off his face with the pad of his thumb and swallows audibly again. "whether it happens tonight or not, i-i just wanna say bye, tell you how much you mean to me," he speaks softly, voice trembling. "i love you so much, you're my everything, i know you have to go a-and i don't want you to, i would never want you to leave me, ever, but i know you have to and i'm so sorry, sweet boy. i know you're probably tired of the apologies but i need to tell you i'm sorry that we couldn't spend more time together," he hiccups just as the both of them begin to weep, looking at each other. "fuck, i don't want you to go," he sobs, covering his face with his shaky hands. "if i could take it from you, i would, without a second thought. just so you could live the life i know you always wanted. but i know it doesn't work like that a-and i wish that was how it worked. i just don't want to let y-you go. i've been holding this i-in for so long because i didn't want to worry you but i can't help it anymore."

eddie wipes his own tears away and now he's the one putting on a brave face for his husband. "are you gonna be okay, rich?" he asks, even though he knows the answer. "you'll be okay, i promise. maybe not now but eventually. bev promised she'd take care of you, so did everyone else. i-i just want you to stay strong, okay? life goes on, with or without me, even if it doesn't feel that way right now," his voice is raspy and richie never wants him to stop talking. he just wants to hear his voice forever and ever, not from some video on his computer or a voice message on his phone. he just wants the real life eddie forever and ever and ever.

the older boy is sobbing into the top of eddie's head, holding him as close as possible without causing any pain to the boy's middle. his weeps are muffled and loud and heartbreaking and it makes eddie want to cry but he doesn't want to spend the last moments of his life crying. "i love you more than a-anything in the world, eddie," he whimpers out. "and i-i'm never going to forget about you, i promise."

"i love you, too, richie," he says back. he's never meant anything more in his life. "i'm gonna be watching over you."

they both fall asleep in each other's arms that night, and richie surprisingly falls asleep before eddie, with his head against eddie's chest, to hear his heartbeat for what he believes is the last time.

and richie is right. when he wakes up in the morning his head is still against eddie's chest but he can't hear a thing. he sits up straight and takes one of eddie's hands to check his pulse there instead. still, nothing. he shakes his shoulders with a hard grip on them and eddie doesn't budge the slightest bit. eddie's paler than ever and even when he slaps him across the face to see if he's really gone or not, none of the color returns. it isn't for another ten minutes of calling out his name and yelling with that worried tone in his voice that he comes to the realization that his husband is dead. he lays down next to the body and just kind of stares at it for a while, trying to snap himself out of it as if he's in a nightmare or something. he slaps himself across the face to make sure he's awake and he sure is, and that's when he begins to cry. he holds onto his body and sobs into the cold skin, wishing there was any sort of warmth within him that would prove he's not dead. there's no way eddie's dead, he was just alive when they went to bed last night. but he also figures that dying in his sleep was one of the easiest ways to go, so he feels some sort of relief there.

richie doesn't even realize how long he'd been in bed with his dead husband until his phone had rang and he'd checked the time and seen it was already late afternoon. he answers the call and holds it up to his ear, not even bothering to check who it is. "hello?" he asks, and his voice is groggy and cracking but it doesn't even matter to him anymore.

"hey," the voice on the other end replies. it's stanley, and he can hear bill talking in the background and he's so jealous of the couple because they can be in love and alive but suddenly his husband is gone. "are you alright, rich? did-"

"he died in his sleep," richie sniffles, wiping his curls off his sweaty face.

"oh my god," the blond mutters. bill can be heard asking what happened and stanley doesn't respond to him. "jesus, rich. do you want me to come over? how long have you been up?" he asks softly.

the man nods, then remembers nobody can see him. "uh, yes, please," he rubs at his eyes. "i dunno, i've been up for hours. i need to call someone to take him away but i-i've been in bed all day."

he knows stanley is close to tears on the other end. "okay," he swallows audibly. "okay, hold on, we'll be right over, and i can call someone for you. just hang in there."

-

richie is laying in the guest room with beverly and stanley on each side of him, looking through pictures and videos of eddie on his phone. they'd called a mortician to come get his body and richie had bid goodbye to him without any tears. he's just upset now, he'd cried for hours and everything hurts and he feels nauseous. he'd thrown up once already, which beverly helped hold his hair back and calmed him down in the bathroom.

"this is my favorite picture," he mumbles sleepily, showing the picture of the two of them at their wedding to his two best friends. he smiles sadly at it and takes in how handsome eddie had locked that day, even without some of his hair. "every picture is my favorite."

beverly brushes the hair out of his face with her own sad smile. "you guys were so great together," she tells him. stanley nods as he sends bill a text asking to pick up some of richie's favorite foods for him.

"i miss him," he sighs, closing his eyes and letting his phone begin to slip out of his hands.

the red-head grabs his phone from him before it can fall on the floor, setting it on the nightstand. "i know," she nods. she picks up a throw blanket and covers him up with it, making sure he's warm enough. "you should sleep, bud. stan, bill and i are gonna go make you something to eat for when you get up, okay?"

he agrees and drifts out of consciousness with a smile on his face from the thought of eddie in his head and his heart. he doesn't think he's ever going to be as happy as he was with that boy. but he knows he's in a better place and he's no longer suffering. plus, eddie is watching over him and he can feel it. that's what's keeping him sane.

the bucket list is sitting on the nightstand next to him, and every single one is checked off. knowing that he'd given eddie the life he really wanted fills his heart. and that's all that matters.


End file.
